Email To My Friend, A Very Successful Artist

Just don't listen to the doubters, man. Just believe in me and you'll see. It's simpler than you think.

There's a tendency to blame people for their own circumstances. But sometimes there are black swans (anomalies). My career began with a black swan...A sociopath producer (who shall remain nameless) on my first "calling card" film who fucked that project out of spite... even though a producer connected to Cronenberg was willing to fund completion of it. (It's a long story... If you want I can send you a reference about that sociopath. He recently got involved in a friend's project and AGAIN tried to fuck someone over...)

When I studied preventable deaths in disasters the same pattern came through. People don't die because of failures of responders - because firefighters, doctors, nurses, etc are lazy, fraudulent or incompetent. NO! More often preventable deaths happen because of circular thinking and dumb reasons... Somebody got parked over there and someone else thought they were supposed to deal with them, but the other guy assumed the first one was supposed to deal with them...etc... Dumb reasons. Falling through the cracks. Easy-to-fix things. It's the same dynamic with my career. It began with a black swan event.

And black swans happen. Go look at the news: it's full of black swans.

I'm not a fraud artist or crazy. Even though I'm disabled, the disability is depression and anxiety (I'm not psychotic or schizophrenic or whatever...). I have no criminal record. I'm not violent.

I'm not incompetent. That's an assumption or a hypothesis... but any detective work you do will demolish that theory instantly. But you have to do the detective work.

(Though I will admit, I have lacked social skills. But as I've gotten older I've learned a lot more about that now.)

I'm not successful now because nobody ever went the distance with me. That's all. It's as simple as that. I keep running up against others' circular-thinking. I was under-capitalized my entire life, and then I slipped into depression and soon I stopped asking anymore, because everyone I approached thought in circles. When everyone looks at me they get caught in the circular thinking "If he was any good, he would have succeeded by now..." Assumptions! (How do I know this? Nobody ever asked me "What happened to you...?")  And because they say that THEY don't back me and then the next guy says the same thing and it just spirals on like that. The same dynamic that causes preventable deaths in disasters. Vicious circular thinking.

Just take a deep breath, do the detective work and look at my portfolio. Go to XFunc.com and look at my portfolio. Every time I've had the opportunity to do good work, I've done it! I have projects on there that I did on a shoestring budget, and they look awesome. (I've had players come to me and say that my Alien Swarm campaign, Reduction, is better than the original campaign by Valve! And Valve is one of the best game studios in the world!) I have continued to create and to believe in my creativity. I've continued to work, self-financed, as much as I can. I have produced work even in the face of all of this. Imagine what I can do with REAL support. With real investment.

I will kick ass if I can finally get someone to go the distance with me.

Just look at my portfolio and see the quality of it. That's all that matters.

And be my friend, bro. Because I need friends.

The Root of All Evil

The root of all evil is circular thinking.

I've studied these things. I've studied the way systems break down... for example, the way people get killed during disasters or war. I've been paid to do this and to create simulations that reflect this sort of thing.

Until a person has done their detective work and tried to understand something, they should keep their opinions to themselves.

ESPECIALLY if one is giving people "inspirational sayings", advice, or anything else where they're pushing a rule-of-thumb worldview onto someone else without appreciating the others' specific circumstances. The purpose of the "inspirational saying" is not to help anyone. It is to reinforce the speaker's own view that the world is safe and orderly - with the corollary that the victim of bad circumstances or evil is entirely to blame for what has been visited on them (see also "Just World Syndrome").

Rule-of-thumb thinking is two-dimensional. But the real world is much more complex.

To this I will add: black swans happen (and I would consider evil events... such as rape, murder, fraud, etc... as black swan events). These are anomaly events where things went wrong DESPITE everyone doing the best they could! Look at the news on any given day: it's full of black swans! They're real.

Our rules-of-thumb and "inspirational sayings" don't account for black swans. Which is why thinking solely in terms of rules-of-thumb can be worse than useless during a specific crisis.

Communication is what is needed... this includes listening.

Courage also helps.

--- 23 June 2015

A Diamond In A Crusher

Do you know how the diamond industry processes diamonds?

They have huge machines that dig up diamond ore,
Called "kimberlite".
This stuff is fed into a series of crushers
Which pulverize it down to a certain size.

You see: they are trying to extract tiny diamonds.
Diamonds aren't like gold:
You can't melt them down; you need to find them.

Anyway, their bread-and-butter is the engagement ring diamond;
So they crush all of the diamond ore down to smaller
And smaller size.
Finally, it's fed into a conveyor belt
With a scanner, which looks for the rough diamonds.
As the ore falls off the end of the belt
Compressed air jets send out short blasts to
Push the individual diamonds into the diamond chute,
While the remaining waste rock falls into the waste chute.

So really the system is set up with a pre-defined goal in mind:
To find engagement ring stones.

They've already decided what they're looking for.

So what do you suppose happens if,
In this process,
They dig up a huge diamond...?
A once-in-a-lifetime diamond...?

Like the Cullinen...?
Which was only spared because it was noticed
By a manager... so the story goes... glinting
In the side of a pit... in South Africa.

The Cullinen was picked out of the
Pit wall with a pen knife.
It was so large your fingers
Wouldn't touch together
If you tried to hold it in your fist.
It was eventually cut and formed
The Crown Jewels of England.

What happens to a once-in-a-lifetime diamond
If it's put into this
We've-already-decided-what-we're-looking-for
(Circular thinking)
Process of diamond refining?

It gets destroyed. Smashed to pieces in the crushing process.

So this is what can happen when
One knows what one is looking for
And goes after it:
If one finds something astounding,
Something or someone who is
Unexpected and
Once-in-a-lifetime...
One will destroy it,
In their application of circular-thinking;
To make it fit cynical preconceptions:

It's not even an engagement ring now;
And it might have been a Crown Jewel.

--- 22 June 2015

Who Can Create Alone?

Most of us can fight in the heat of anger,If we must.
In the high blood of battle’s rage;
With the adrenaline of nearby buddies,
And the solidity of resupply,
Command, control;
Flag.
Home.
But who can fight alone?
In the cold stillness of night,
With empty stomach,
Torn uniform,
Broken weapons,
Broken will.
Who can fight, like that;
Alone?
Against the dark?
Against those forces that wait quietly for us
On the precipice of death?

Most of us can create in the warmth of light.
Beside the hearth
Of companionship;
The friendly comfort of collaboration,
Recognition.
Money.
But who can create alone?
In spite of the night of anonymity.
In spite of the cold stillness of poverty.
In spite of the gaping maw of the Exit Bag, waiting.
Who can create alone?

--- Tim Carter, 8 May 2011

As an animal

As an animal,
As a being who
Sparked into existence
And had a chance to walk around,
And look,
Smell, hear and taste...

As that being,
You must accept that you will die.

(Okay... Vegetables, too...
Let's not get too egotistical here.)

--- 24 May 2014

Tonight I heard

Tonight I heard
The most amazing sound...

I had given myself a night off,
A few pints, etc...

I remember a feeling
That all things were possible now,
Coming home from the pub.

Then I sat outside
To smoke some fine pipeweed,
As Gandalf would say.

I have been met with relief
This past year or so.
Respite.

I am in good straits.

It's a long story...

Anyway,
Tonight I have been sitting
In the courtyard of my building
After it all...

And I heard the most amazing sound.
In the amber electric light
But also the quiet of the night...

The shoots were emerging.

Earlier that night I spoke
Of how, we in the north would
Just burn the layer of leaves
And dead grass that would've built up,
In spring cleaning...

But in Toronto,
That would invite the Fire Department...

So this layer of dead unwelcome foliage is overtop,
Of everything here.

Anyway I heard the movement of the shoots,
I heard, as they emerged
I heard them shifting the dead foliage above;
Rustling,
At one point even seeing a leaf shift
Slightly.

I was surrounded by the sound of
Emerging shoots...
Just subtle, scattered rustling
In the night,
But to be in tune with it,
To listen to the darkness
I could hear it.

It was the sound
Of new life from the ground,
And the feeling
That anything is possible.

--- 1pm 11 April 2014

Depression Is A Combat Zone

Where was I on
The Eleventh Hour
Of the Eleventh Day
Of the Eleventh Month?

In a waiting room.